Deep in her heart

Tonight I went to kiss my kids before I got in bed. When I leaned down to give E a kiss, she reached up and tightly grabbed my neck. I laid down for just a moment enjoying the sweet embrace. To most this would be no big deal, but for those of us who have at one time struggled with the attachment issues that so often can follow adoption, this was the most amazing feeling in the world. Deep in her heart (and fast asleep) she knew I was her Mommy and felt safe. Once again I am amazed that of all the people in the world, I was chosen to be her Mommy. I have been truly blessed.

His breakthrough toy

As is always the case just after Christmas, we try to get rid of some of the old/no longer used toys to make room. While Daddy and I were recently going through the toys, we came accross this shape sorter. Although expecting an argument, I told Daddy we must keep this one. Without hesitation he not only agreed, but commented (with tears in his eyes) that it was J's breakthrough toy. Strangely enough, he was right.

About 2 months before J turned 2, he hadn't yet begun to talk and was still struggling with attachment. He found this toy and it quickly became a favorite. Hundreds of times throughout the day he would point to the shapes asking us to label them. In no time he had them all memorized, from the trapezoid to the hexagon. Shortly after, he began to open up and not only turned a corner with his speech, but also with his attachment. Before that point we were very worried about his development, but he with that toy and his desire to master it he showed us how incredibly bright he is.

We're almost there

Those outside the adoption world really don't get the attachment thing, but it is very real and sometimes very painful. Before my oldest came home, like many others I mistakenly believed all I had to do was love my little 4 month old baby when he/she came home and that would be that. 3 kids later, and I know that isn't always enough. E and R showed their difficulties right from the beginning, but J (being the little booger he is) really threw us for a loop. He had a fairly lengthy honeymoon period. Even our social worker believed "3rd times a charm". He seemed to grieve initially and then slowly moved on. It all felt so right. At 18 months (14 months after coming home) we realized things weren't quite as we had thought. In hindsight, things started going downhill at 12 months, but they were so minor and went so slowly we didn't realize it until later. When we realized he was struggling, we visited with our social worker who confirmed what I was thinking- anxious attachment. 9 months after diagnosis and a lot of hard work, J is finally getting there. I can't say he is absolutely in love yet (there is a difference between loving us and being in love with us), but he is close.

Today Daddy set up the "jumpy thing" and J was very nervous about it. Instead of having a breakdown and crying like he has done in the past, he came to me and let me snuggle him. We sat this way for about 10 minutes until he decided it was okay to ignore it and go play. It felt so good to have him melt into my arms this way knowing that he could trust me to keep him safe.