Daydreams

6 years ago while waiting for our referral for E, I would daydream about when the call would come. In my head I had decided it would come on our anniversary which is June 10th (since Korea has a three year marriage requirement). Amazingly as we were celebrating our anniversary a day early, on June 9th (because Daddy had to work on the 10th) we received a call from our SW telling us they had matched us with a beautiful baby girl. We were thrilled. The next morning we were given the most amazing anniversary present, the first photo of our daughter.

Still waiting

We turned in our application to adopt a 4th child just over 3 months ago. I felt certain we would have a referral long before now, but we are still waiting. Although this process is not new to us, for some reason this wait has been particularly difficult. Many times I have questioned whether we are making the right decision, but Jesse assures me this is my defense mechanism- If I can't have what I want now, I no longer want it. In the past week, I have begun to realize what the real problem is...I can't take the emotional rollercoaster. Everytime the phone rings I jump, only to be disappointed when it's not Dillon. I know our baby is out there and he/she will come to us at just the right time, but that doesn't make it any easier. Hoping my next post brings good news.

#4

3 weeks ago tomorrow we turned in our application for baby #4. We have been told things are moving pretty quickly, so hope for a referral within the next couple of weeks, then 3-4 months after that for travel. We have decided to take all 3 kids and my mom, so it should be quite the adventure. We did "request" a girl this time (which seems weird to us since the other 3 times we had no preference), hoping to balance things out, but will be equally happy with a boy. Stay tuned for more info. and cross your fingers/say a prayer, rub your lucky rabbits foot that things go quickly.

How come you're my mommy?

R asks this at least once a day and about a month ago, I figured out an answer that suited him...

"because Dr. Kim (from ESWS), Marsha (from Dillon), your Birth Mother and God said I could be."

Now that we have the answer established, when he asks, I usually turn the question back on him. He doesn't get everybody, everytime, so I help him out, but at least it satisfies him and the sweet smile on his face when he says it is priceless.

We're almost there

Those outside the adoption world really don't get the attachment thing, but it is very real and sometimes very painful. Before my oldest came home, like many others I mistakenly believed all I had to do was love my little 4 month old baby when he/she came home and that would be that. 3 kids later, and I know that isn't always enough. E and R showed their difficulties right from the beginning, but J (being the little booger he is) really threw us for a loop. He had a fairly lengthy honeymoon period. Even our social worker believed "3rd times a charm". He seemed to grieve initially and then slowly moved on. It all felt so right. At 18 months (14 months after coming home) we realized things weren't quite as we had thought. In hindsight, things started going downhill at 12 months, but they were so minor and went so slowly we didn't realize it until later. When we realized he was struggling, we visited with our social worker who confirmed what I was thinking- anxious attachment. 9 months after diagnosis and a lot of hard work, J is finally getting there. I can't say he is absolutely in love yet (there is a difference between loving us and being in love with us), but he is close.

Today Daddy set up the "jumpy thing" and J was very nervous about it. Instead of having a breakdown and crying like he has done in the past, he came to me and let me snuggle him. We sat this way for about 10 minutes until he decided it was okay to ignore it and go play. It felt so good to have him melt into my arms this way knowing that he could trust me to keep him safe.

We are blessed

Today we went to Chusok (Korean Thanksgiving for those non Korean families out there). It was not just a typical Chusok event, it was Dillon's 25th year anniversary for placing Korean born children, so it was extra special. They had both dance and tae kwan do performances, which were amazing. Unfortunately we didn't get to see much since keeping R and J quiet and still proved to be very difficult and much to our relief the temple had a very large playground. When it was time to eat, the boys were finally ready to come in. The kids ate pasta and sub sandwiches, and we ate bulgogi, kimchi, mandu and a few other things. Let me tell you, I ATE two whole plates. Loved it- so delicious.
Once again the staff at Dillon really went above and beyond to create a beautiful afternoon. In addition to the performances and the fabulous food, we were given the chance to meet some very honored guests from Korea. Most importantly we met (actually she recognized us from a meeting back in April and therefore reintroduced herself to us) Dr. Kim- the President of ESWS. Dr. Kim is the youngest daughter of Dr. Kim, who founded ESWS back in the early 70's. She has only been in this postion for a year and was preceded by her brother. After chatting with her for a moment, we introduced ourselves to Mrs. Cho. Mrs. Cho runs one of the branch offices in Seoul (there are multiple branch offices and babies can be intaken at any one before going on to ESWS Hospital). Well, our "little" R was intaken at this branch so we wanted her to meet him. While we chatted, Mrs. Cho asked what he likes to play with, his personality etc... She was writing it all down in case she gets a chance to contact birthmother. We let her know (through the help of a translater) if she were to contact R's birthmother, we would love to have contact (ie. write letters back and forth to his birthmother). This is my greatest wish. This women gave me the most precious thing in the world to her and I just want to make sure she knows how loved he is and how grateful we are and that we someday hope to meet. Communication such as this is not common, but it does happen and I can only hope we are given the opportunity. While meeting with Mrs. Cho, another guest was taking our pictures. We found out this guest is the photographer who takes the referral pictures of each of the babies who come in to ESWS. Amazing to think this woman not only took a picture of my kids today, but took a picture of each of them 5 years, 3 years and 2 years ago before we even knew them.
Everyday I look at my children and just see E, R, or J. Often I forget they are adopted, especially when I brag that E sure didn't get mine or Daddy's coordination, or that R is sooooooo much like his Daddy it is scary, or that little Mr. J got Mommy and Papa's temper. When we go to these events, I am so much more aware of their adoption and their "Koreaness". In my opinion being aware is a good thing. It reminds me how indredibly lucky we are to be a family and to "have found each other". I try to make it clear to those at both Dillon and those at ESWS, but I know I must fall short. Everyone of those people took a leap of faith and made the decision to send a tiny little baby halfway around the world and trust us to take care of him/her. This is amazing. The entire process is amazing but most of all, I am amazed at how blessed our family is.
Thank you Dillon Southwest and Eastern Social Welfare Society for the wonderful work you do. We will be forever grateful.

When we first started the adoption process, we were warned, people will make rude, insensitive or inapropriate comments regarding our family. Well, 5 years later and we have never had a stranger say anything negative to us. In fact, the only negative comments have been from family or friends (and very few at that). We were also told to beware of the "older generation" as they may not understand our family. The fact is, we are constantly told (90% of the time this is said by the "older generation") that we have a beautiful family. This is usually followed by them telling us how well behaved our children are. Our family is complimented about every other week (almost always in a restaurant) and tonight was no different.

An older couple was at the table next to us and while smiling at our family whispered over to us how cute our kids were and how pleased they were to see children that were so well behaved. I agreed and commented on what hard work it is. Then the woman said the neatest thing- she told me how lucky I am to have a good husband that helps. You know what, she was exactly right. If Daddy weren't so involved in the disciplining and if he and I weren't on the same page, we wouldn't have anywhere near the success with our children that we do.

Now, behavior at home is a different story, but hey we're working on that.

Child's views on the adoption process

I love this. I just read this story on the Holt BB

A family is sitting on the sofa together talking. A 5 year old, adopted from China starts to ask questions about becoming a grown up.

Mom says, "When you grow up, and start a family, are you going to adopt?"

Child: "Nope, I'm not having any kids."

Mom: "What, why not?"

Child: "Too much paperwork!"

Dad: "Don't worry son, your wife will fill out all of the paperwork."

Actually to be honest in our house it was all Daddy. The paperwork is pretty daunting especially for someone as ADD as me. Thank goodness Daddy did it.